Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Summer is Over

I showered at the gym today. Worked out pretty hard. Fixed my bike because the back tire was wobbly and getting flat. I downloaded Cee Lo's "Eff You" song as my ringtone. I hung out with a girl I like last night. You know, I dont think you realize how nerve wrecking it is going into a non homeless situation when youre homeless. Its terrifying. If I could put a theme feeling to this whole experience, all three or four months so far, it would be PARANOIA! Im always looking over my shoulder, waking up in the middle of the night to noises in the park, in the bushes, on the street. I constantly am over aware of my appearance and am checking myself constantly in public places. I look at people to see if they are looking at me when they see me with everything I own practically on my bike, headed somewhere. "What are they saying!? Are they talking about me? Making fun of me?" I hate it when people dont like me. It bothers me. I like EVERYBODY. Well mostly. Paranoiattack! Is she judging me? Is he talking about me behind my back? Are they just using me? Am I disgusting? Do I smell? Doesns it matter? Should I just go away? I fight off these questions constantly and its exhausting. Granted, they are a small fraction of the thoughts in my head. I think about way cooler stuff all day. Like about how when Im a Grandpa Im going to have the coolest effing stories to tell. About how one day, when I slide into a crisp cold set of \Egyptian cotton white sheets on a bed that is my own that swallows me in and keeps me perfectly all night Ill appreciate it so much more than I would have. I think about how there are people making hundreds of thousands of dollars every year and spend even hundreds of more thousands of dollars than they make and how, even with the nicest bed on the market, they must toss and writhe all night at the thought of it all. I feel sad for them. I sleep like a child. I wake up with a smile.

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