Friday, May 6, 2011
The Prologue.
It was 2:25am on a Friday morning when I realized that everything had already been done and that there was nothing left for me to do. Its been taken, its all saturated. This lead me to a place where I felt an absence of purpose. I quite deliberately mean that I felt and absence and not that I just didn’t feel I had a purpose, that would be wrong to say. I did feel. I know that I felt something just then in the middle of the night as I thought about all the bad things to come and I knew that it felt so heavy, so terribly ominous and far reaching that it pushed everything else far away into a hungry darkness, creating an absence. An absence of purpose. A hard downshifting into neutral. I had been under the impression that my whole life was a thing that I was to mold, to keep and to nurture, for the day when I would be called up from the dregs of mediocrity to fulfill my calling, my purpose. Now that day would never come. I was a kid in a pair of pants and a shirt I hated taking off. I was nobody. I am nobody.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A LOT HAS HAPPENED...
I think we all know that I hate blogging. It is so disenchanting especially when you feel like your day to day is uneventful. However. There is some news.
I was planning on staying in the van til June. And I was looking forward to it very much as I knew the weather would be warming and I could finish out my little project like I started it -in the glory days of the hot sun! Life has had different plans for me though.
On March 31st I asked the love of my life, my best friend, the most wonderful human ever to be born up in this earth yo, Heidi, to marry me. Where did I ask her? On top of the van of course. And she said yes and cried and cried and slobbered a little bit. I will tell the full details of this story very shorty.
So we are getting married in July and in preparation started looking for a place to live for around then. Turns out that our dream place had an opening around the first of May and we pounced on that junk.
SO I MOVED OUT OF THE VAN AND NOW, AS OF MAY 1ST, I LIVE IN AN APARTMENT WITH A BED AND WITH A SHOWER AND A KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!
This sudden exodus from the life that I have come to somehow see as normal for the last year has sparked something in me. In the mayhem of the life I was living I just could not see anything that was interesting to write about, or talk about, or even think about. On top of several other factors, I was toward the end of my stint, since about December, suffering -and I mean suffering- from a strange form of insomnia not unlike a phenomenon that I have recently read about that happens in Arctic places like Greenland, called Polar Hysteria. More on this later too.
These things that have beaten and worn me down over the past year had left me lifeless and completely without creative function. When I got the key to our new place I practically broke the door down, stripped off all my clothes, and rushed into the shower. (p.s. its a real nice shower...) I guess there, underneath my own shower head, behind my very own map-of-the-world-shower-curtain, I had a long awaited baptism. Those big warm beautiful drops of water began to wash away the life of the past year, cleansing me from the outside in. I stepped out a new person, or maybe the person I had been before. Ive been showering DAILY ever since. The apartment life took some adjusting though and still does. More on this to come too......
What this post is, if you have noticed, is me letting you know that I have a lot to write about. I want to put on paper, if but cyber paper, the incredible flood of new perspectives and feelings that I have about leaving normalcy, and heading straight into a world of uncomfortable, sleepless, freezing, poor, destitution. Ill tell you it all. As a matter of fact, I have had so much to say about this whole thing, whatever this thing was, that I have been writing non stop for the past few weeks. I want to get the whole story, the entire thing down. I have over 60 typed pages covering just the first week of homelessness at this point. Stay tuned and Ill share as much of it as I can.
I want your feedback. I want your approval. I want your criticism. I want you to read this.
Kurt.
I was planning on staying in the van til June. And I was looking forward to it very much as I knew the weather would be warming and I could finish out my little project like I started it -in the glory days of the hot sun! Life has had different plans for me though.
On March 31st I asked the love of my life, my best friend, the most wonderful human ever to be born up in this earth yo, Heidi, to marry me. Where did I ask her? On top of the van of course. And she said yes and cried and cried and slobbered a little bit. I will tell the full details of this story very shorty.
So we are getting married in July and in preparation started looking for a place to live for around then. Turns out that our dream place had an opening around the first of May and we pounced on that junk.
SO I MOVED OUT OF THE VAN AND NOW, AS OF MAY 1ST, I LIVE IN AN APARTMENT WITH A BED AND WITH A SHOWER AND A KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!
This sudden exodus from the life that I have come to somehow see as normal for the last year has sparked something in me. In the mayhem of the life I was living I just could not see anything that was interesting to write about, or talk about, or even think about. On top of several other factors, I was toward the end of my stint, since about December, suffering -and I mean suffering- from a strange form of insomnia not unlike a phenomenon that I have recently read about that happens in Arctic places like Greenland, called Polar Hysteria. More on this later too.
These things that have beaten and worn me down over the past year had left me lifeless and completely without creative function. When I got the key to our new place I practically broke the door down, stripped off all my clothes, and rushed into the shower. (p.s. its a real nice shower...) I guess there, underneath my own shower head, behind my very own map-of-the-world-shower-curtain, I had a long awaited baptism. Those big warm beautiful drops of water began to wash away the life of the past year, cleansing me from the outside in. I stepped out a new person, or maybe the person I had been before. Ive been showering DAILY ever since. The apartment life took some adjusting though and still does. More on this to come too......
What this post is, if you have noticed, is me letting you know that I have a lot to write about. I want to put on paper, if but cyber paper, the incredible flood of new perspectives and feelings that I have about leaving normalcy, and heading straight into a world of uncomfortable, sleepless, freezing, poor, destitution. Ill tell you it all. As a matter of fact, I have had so much to say about this whole thing, whatever this thing was, that I have been writing non stop for the past few weeks. I want to get the whole story, the entire thing down. I have over 60 typed pages covering just the first week of homelessness at this point. Stay tuned and Ill share as much of it as I can.
I want your feedback. I want your approval. I want your criticism. I want you to read this.
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