Friday, May 6, 2011
It was 2:25am on a Friday morning when I realized that everything had already been done and that there was nothing left for me to do. Its been taken, its all saturated. This lead me to a place where I felt an absence of purpose. I quite deliberately mean that I felt and absence and not that I just didn’t feel I had a purpose, that would be wrong to say. I did feel. I know that I felt something just then in the middle of the night as I thought about all the bad things to come and I knew that it felt so heavy, so terribly ominous and far reaching that it pushed everything else far away into a hungry darkness, creating an absence. An absence of purpose. A hard downshifting into neutral. I had been under the impression that my whole life was a thing that I was to mold, to keep and to nurture, for the day when I would be called up from the dregs of mediocrity to fulfill my calling, my purpose. Now that day would never come. I was a kid in a pair of pants and a shirt I hated taking off. I was nobody. I am nobody.
Posted by Kurt Russell Anderson at 8:43 PM